There, I Fixed It - Redneck Repairs » electrical hazard

So, You’re Saying Three Is The Limit

Cheezburger Network — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 17:00:34 +0000

Submitted by: dunno source via Submit a Kludge!

Because nothing says holiday cheer like a $700 electrical bill and the warm glow of fire engine lights. – Ms. Fix-It

Favorite Thread!: Fixer ChiTownTechie starts us off with,
“Chet’s nuts roasting on an electrical fire
Mary Lou spraying the garden hose
Kludging carols, being sung by a choir
and folks dressed in hillbilly clothes”

Find the rest of the lyrical kludging after the jump!

Fixer Blackmoore adds,
“Everybody knows
some duct tape and a good swift kick
Will help to make the repair right
Tiny shorts in the line all aglow
Will find it hard to sleep here tonight”

Fixer dono1 says,
“Twas the night before Christmas, and of all of our clan
Not a person was stirring, except the old man.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
But without Christmas lights our house really looked bare.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
With narry a though of our old friend Con Ed.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Someone was struggling with my aluminum ladder.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Made me wonder what gave our yard such a bright glow.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear
But my dad stringing lights after drinking twelve beers.

His kludge had the hint of a real Southern hick,
I just wished he had used a UL power strip.
More rapid than eagles the voltage it came,
He whistled, and shouted, and burst into flames!

“Now Darn it! now, Dash it! My pants are on fire!
Don’t vomit, you stupid! Don’t touch that hot wire!
Like a real human torch on the top of the wall!
Now flash away! Ash away! Dash away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So my dad became airborne, like Ben Franklin’s kite,
And that was the start of a real shocking night.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
My dad’s brand new hairpiece catch fire and go “Poof!”
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
The lights (and my dad?) made a very strange sound.

He was all charred and crispy, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all smoldering with ashes and soot.
A bundle of plugs were held firm in his hand,
Where the flesh had been melted as if from a brand.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his vision, now blurry!
His cheeks were on fire, his nose had me worried!
His expression conveyed he was more than just phased,
And the beard of his chin had seen much better days.

He was practically fried way beyond my belief,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
At first I believed it was all just a ruse,
But suddenly realized he’d just blown a fuse.

He sparked and he flashed like an old neon sign,
But he chuckled and then I just knew he’d be fine!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but got ready for work,
And I thought to myself, “Boy, my dad’s a real jerk!”
And after he changed his electrified clothes,
He got back on the ladder and upward he rose!”

He sprang to the roof to unplug his sad kludge,
And got shocked one last time (I believe he said, “Fudge!”)
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he stumbled from sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, but next year… let’s buy lights!”

Meanwhile At Acme Industries

Cheezburger Network — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 15:00:32 +0000

Submitted by: Amy Adams via Submit a Kludge!

Coyote has to moonlight as a technician to raise funds for ACME supplies. – Ms. Fix-It

Favorite Thread!: Fixer dono1 says, “This mush be how the Native American Indian tribes held up their telephone wires before the white man came along.”
Next: Fixer Rob says, “I hadn’t realized the native Americans had wired ahead for their reservations…”
Retort: Fixer dono1 says, “They only did it when they had a weak smoke signal.”
Followed By: Fixer TexasDan says, “Plus, you always want to call ahead and make sure they have TP.”
Finisher: Fixer dono1 says, “How.”

Wait, The Shampoo Just Had An Idea!

Cheezburger Network — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 17:00:27 +0000

Submitted by: Tomas Žeimys via Submit a Kludge!

Tell us what you do with the conditioner! TELL. US. – Ms. Fix-It

Favorite Comment: Fixer Tessa says, “Should your shampoo run out of ideas, please use your candle before contacting customer support.”

Energizing What?

Cheezburger Network — Wed, 26 May 2010 17:00:31 +0000

Submitted by: Helvecio via Submit a Kludge!

Perpetual energy machine is more than a pipe dream. – Ms. Fix-It

Favorite Comment: Fixer climber says, “Oh look! the sockets have gone mountain climbing!
And they even had the decent sense to secure themselves to one another!!”

I Keep Installing These Light Switches, And None Of Them Work!

Donna — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 13:00:50 +0000

Submitted by: Bryan F via Submit a Kludge!

Government phone tapping system is pretty arcane actually. – Ms. Fix-It

Edit: >.< I didn't realize I posted two "Doin' It Wrongs" in a row. Got an alternative title? Leave it in the comments and I'll pick my favorite tomorrow and change the Title. – Ms. Fix-It

Congratulations to Fixer Cow Herd for coming up with the winning title!
Favorite Comment: Fixer Kadin says, “One of these outlets will connect you to the Holy Grail. The others…telemarketers. Choose wisely.”

Nest Of The Rarely Seen Electrical Gremlin

Donna — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 17:00:17 +0000

Submitted by: Jon via Submit a Kludge!

Wary of the cameraman, only the Gremlin’s hand is visible as it darts out of view. Next time! – Ms. Fix-It

Favorite Comment: Fixer Waffo says, “In the future, even cyborgs will have to put up with their elders saying things like “Cut your hair, hippie! Get a job! And while you’re at it, move out and do something with your life!” Poor cyborgs, always misunderstood.”

Hang On Plug! I’ll Call The Fire Marshall!

Donna — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 13:00:52 +0000

Submitted by: Cyberkedi via Submit a Kludge!

Grab my hand! GRAB MY HAND! Nooooooooo! – Ms. Fix-It

Favorite Comment: Fixer dono1 says, “Now swing me from side to side and I should be able to reach the emergency shut-off switch! C’mon, you can do it- you may be short but you’re wiry…”

Shocking Display Of Green Energy

Donna — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 18:00:52 +0000

Submitted by: ToolGirl via Submit a Kludge!

Favorite Comment: Fixer dono1 says, “Now you can electrocute yourself with 75% less energy consumption.”

Electrocution: Now Available In Mint!

lorenichc — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 21:00:06 +0000

Submitted by: Sam Phillips via Submit a Kludge!

Favorite Comment: Fixer Dogmeat says, “Label on the back of the box reads…
“When using our product, the metallic taste and tingling sensation in your mouth (fingers, toes, etc.) tells you it’s working.

WARNING — Those with an aversion to electrocution and/or a family history of susceptibility to electrocution should avoid this product. The Callard and Bowser-Suchard company (in cooperation with your local power provider) strongly advises that you complete your last will and testament prior to this product’s use. Probable side effects include but are not limited to: heart failure, burnt hair, loss of bodily functions, muscle spasms, impaired brain function, stuttering, spontaneous combustion, and death.”

Rare Shot Of The Sentient Walking Plug

lorenichc — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 18:00:03 +0000

Submitted by: Vampire via Submit a Kludge!

Favorite Comment: Fixer Hawkin Says, “First they grow legs, then they start making demands. Next thing you know, they have a majority in both houses of Congress. Then where are your environmentally-friendly energy plans going to end up?”